What if the healing never comes?

A paralytic man, in his most broken state, is brought before Jesus (Matthew 9:2-8; Mark 2:3-12; Luke 5:17-25).  Jesus is well known in this time and throughout the region as not only a preacher but a healer.  Just imagine, this numbed man is lowered before the Lord, hopeful to be healed.   Jesus sees their faith and immediately extends the man a healing offer----forgiveness of sins.  You may know the end of the story.  Jesus doesn’t stop there but also heals the man’s body and he gets up and walks out of the place.

But I wonder….if the man simply laid there on his mat, at the feet of Jesus, and the only thing Jesus offered was forgiveness of all of his sins, if that would have been enough for him?  Could he remain in this terribly broken, frail body, continuing to pray for fleshly wholeness and be satisfied that his sins were forgiven and he would eventually experience true wholeness with Christ on the other side, in Heaven? 

Paul prayed fervently for healing/freedom from an unnamed thorn that was seemingly holding him back in life (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).  He concluded with God’s promise that His grace would be sufficient….healing wasn’t his to be had on this side. 

So what if the healing never comes?  Will He still be enough?

The Door

“I stand at the door and knock,” (Rev. 3:20)

Is what You say to me,

“Come, let’s sit down,

Chat and have a bite to eat.”



Hm, can we wait a bit?

There’s so much I need to clean,

My house has many cobwebs,

Many lightbulbs long been extinct.



Let me freshen things up,

Splash a new coat of paint,

Jab a broom at the cobwebs,

Before I let You in this space.



So I batten down the hatches,

Live reclusively,

Try to clean this up on my own,

Hardly able to breathe.



The dust and mold grow old,

In this house without windows,

The stacks of debris rise to the sky,

Hoarding every piece of my own history.



There You go knocking again,

I step out and close the door behind.

Jesus, I know You want in,

But I simply can’t let anyone inside.



It’s full of hazardous waste,

Honestly, a toxic dump,

This house should be condemned,

Simply burned from within.



“But that’s not My offer,

I want to free you from the stench,

To help you process the messes,

And sit with you, regardless.”



I’m not sure about this,

I’ve grown rather comfortable here,

It dark and it's dank,

But it’s what I hold dear.



“Well, My offer still stands,

There’s more to life than this,

You’ll be with Me in Heaven,

But I can also walk you through this.”



“I’ll sit in this mess,

We’ll work through it together,

I know you pray for “joy” constantly,

Well, I offer that kind of life abundantly!”  (John 10:10)



“Let me step into the door,

Let My light shine

In the darkest of corners

Through the hardest of times.”



“We’ll be in this together,

Not even just You and I,

For if you let them,

There’s a beautiful community on stand by.”



“But the choice is yours,

Do you want to be made well?” (John 5:6)

Hm, let me think about it….

I guess only time will tell….



Joy Lynn

Memories of You

I set out my easel

And prepare my pallet

With various colors of invisible ink

Where I attempt to paint you from memory

Streak by streak



Sweat forms over my brow

As my brain tries to think

Sorting through pictures

And thoughts shared from others

Of who you once were to me



I grab the paint brush

I try to begin

I dip into the ink

Draw a few cascading lines

For the wellspring you were to me



I close my eyes

And continue to paint

Trying to filter

And paint only

What is verifiably true



My heart beats loud

My thoughts are blazing

But my hand is meticulously still

For the fool proof memories

Are evading me still



My session is over

My eyes open

I stare at the canvas with care

I painted every single memory of you

And yet only my shadow can be seen there

Joy Lynn

Love Tank = Bottomless Pit

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.”  -Agnes Repplier, The Treasure Chest



Have you ever heard of the term “love tank”?  It’s a descriptive term for one’s heart being a figurative gas tank of sorts.  Moments of happiness and joy make the tank rise closer to “contentment” and may come in the form of gifts, quality time spent with a love one, affirming words, generous acts of services or cuddling.  The list truly is endless and the input quantity really varies from person to person.  But the tank also drains energy through the day, minute by minute, breath by breath. 



I’ve been guilty of using this phrase in the past but just recently I got to thinking and realized….my love tank is a stinking bottomless pit.  Edward Welch in his book, When People are Big and God is Small, says his love tank had a leak, and honestly, I find mine does too.  No matter what I do or anyone else does for me, it may bring some lightness to my days, but I tend to be someone whose inputs leak out faster than they are coming in.  I’m definitely an Eeyore, if you are familiar with the character from Winnie the Pooh.  It’s been something by nature that as much as I’d like to rewire my brain and accept and hold more goodness in my life so that maybe my “love tank” can be closer to full, I’ve just never had that sort of lasting contentment and joy in the day to day. 



The richest man in the world was once asked, “how much more money do you need to be happy with what you have?” to which he replied, “just a little more.”



The truth is, we aren’t built to find contentment in money or people or things but in God.  I know that.  I’ve known that.  And now I wrestle with how to practically apply and live in light of that Truth.  To let Him fill me up so that I can be poured out.  To enjoy the gift of friendship without suffocating it.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to kill the spider of dependency….  Hopefully soon. 

Ephesians 3:14-19

“When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”




Joy Lynn

God of the Gray

I was trapped

There in the middle seat

Between two burly men

With their ears plugged by headphones

As I stared at the seat back in front of me

It was dark and though the sun was out

It was just out of reach

Because on either side of me

The window passengers had closed the shades

So I sat in the gray

Staring off into space

Headspace that is

Wondering what it looked like outside



I wondered when the plane shook

Uncontrollably for just a few moments

If we were in the clouds

Because I have found turbulence seems to be worse in the clouds

When you can’t see anything

And feel like you’re in God’s toy airplane in the sky

Except God went full crazy toddler on you

And is rocking you up and down

And then you finally emerge above the clouds

And reach cruising altitude for a while



But I couldn’t see the clouds

I couldn’t see the sun or the sky

One flight I was sure we were in rain

But I couldn’t see that either

Just American Airlines gray

Staring off into space

Wondering where this journey

Would take me



Not just physically

Across the country I know

But in places and spaces

Tucked away at the heart

Holding my breath and waiting

Waiting to take in the growth and destruction I’d see

That not only took place in the Valley

But also inside of me



Because as much change as my homeland has seen

God’s done some major renovation inside of me

To the point that I wondered

Would they recognize me?

Would they remember who I was

Or take me as I am

Or see the potential still within me

Because I am not yet

Who I want to be



See this isn’t the final destination

But a journey of a lifetime

And the worst part of this flight I am on

With those windows shades pulled down

Means I never know when it’s going to land

For all I know I’ve been flying in circles

But that would be a waste of gas



God, I’m not sure when You’ll clear me

For my final landing

As I feel like I’ve been sinking for some time

But I can’t see the ground

So I have to trust You

And Lord, instead of bracing for impact

Help me to fly with purpose

With my eyes on You

Because You are a God of grace

And a God of the gray.



Joy Lynn

Today I Bleed

Hey, got a second?

Can we walk over there?

No, I don’t want to talk,

Just want to get out of here.



My mind is a prison

And it’s holding my body hostage.

Tired of being “on”,

Quite frankly I’m exhausted.



I just need a place to break down;

I usually do that alone.

But maybe it’s a bit healthier,

If I don’t do this on my own.



Frankly, I hardly have the time

And honestly neither do you.

So maybe I’ll just keep it to myself

And just continue to push on through.



I read a quote the other day,

It feels remarkably true,

About where I’m at currently

And what I’ll eventually do.



Sir Andrew Barton, a pirate after a battle said:

“I am hurt but I am not slain.

I’ll lay me down and bleed awhile,

Then I’ll rise and fight again.”



So today I bleed,

In hopes that tomorrow I can smile.

I’ll ride these waves til I get to shore,

Just to fight to walk another mile.

Lay Down Your Guard

“Hi there,

It’s only me.

Please don’t go away;

I’ll simply be.”



I sit beside you

Let you take lead

Tears fall down your face now

As your heart bleeds


“Let down your guard.

It’ll be ok.

No matter what you lay down;

I won’t run away.”



You start from the beginning

Weave through the threads of life

Take a moment to remember the good times

But also share some of the strife



You splay your heart right open

You share transparently

It’s the first burst of light shone in a dark place

That you’ve guarded inherently 



I gently peel back the onion

Not taking for granted the trust you have shown

And I try to love and point you to Jesus

Where true healing and forgiveness can be known



Know that I see you

You are not alone

And I thank you for sharing

For this is where seeds of true friendship are sown

Please. Let. Me. In.

Please know….I see you…

I see you stooped at the bar,

Pen in hand, scribbling almost…incoherently,

Eyes clouded by tears, teeth clasped shut,

Beads of sweat form as thoughts run fast.

-------------------------------------------------

How can I let them all know,

It’s not them, but its me?

I can’t fight this anymore,

My defenses are low and strength run thin,

I can’t make that desperate call again…



So many distraught thoughts and vague texts,

I can’t continue to drag you through this mess.

It’s not fair to you, this roller coaster I am on.

You didn’t ask to ride this,

So it’s time to say “so long.”



I’m sorry it has come down to this,

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I am done with holding everyone back,

So run your race with joy….

The thing I could never quite grasp myself.



I know and can reason within my head,

But my wicked heart speaks up once again,

“You’ll never make it, you can’t keep this up,

You try your best but IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH,

You might as well give up.”

----------------------------------------------------------

I see you, please put down the pen,

Put down your weapon of choice

And choose life again.

It’s dark now

But don’t let it be the end.



Please let Me in…

Please.

Let.

ME.

In.

Prayer- Petition

I was sitting at a soccer game and all along the sidelines were adults and children alike, petitioning for their child or loved one to do something...do well, pass the ball, score or play defense.  

These petitioners though had only their vested interest in mind...their color jersey but even more so their own child.  A parent on my right screamed "Defense" while on the left cheers "Shoot it!"

It makes me think of how I imagine prayers going up to God.  So many requests going up, some simultaneously asking the same thing while others may be praying for the exact opposite outcome.  During the winter here in New England I see this in action as one faction prays for massive amounts of snow to ski and snowmobile through while others pray for no snow so they can drive their kids safely to school or not have to pay for snow plowing.

We all want our own way and we are disappointed when God seemingly doesn’t answer our prayers.  But there would be no way to make everyone happy because what brings some joy bring others suffering sometimes.

1 John 5:14:

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” 

His will and ways are not always ours and from experience, hindsight being 20/20, I can thank Him for both how He has answered prayer but also for many unanswered prayers….things I hoped and wished and pleaded for that He didn’t come through with because it was not His best or will. 

So I’ll keep praying because I know He is at work.  I keep praying because it reminds me again and again to depend on Him.  I plead my case because He cares for my heart but conclude with seeking to trust that His ways are better than my own and He’ll walk me and those that I love through whatever comes.    

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.“

He already said I Do

It’s wedding season…I’ve attended two behind and still have two ahead of me.  As an unwed single person who honestly doesn’t see a wedding in my future, I was amused that the conversations I have had include what I would and wouldn’t do in my own wedding, if I ever had one.  It’s amusing because I’m nearly positive it’s not in my future, yet there I am, daydreaming and planning. 

“So why these thoughts?”, I asked myself.

As I searched my heart, the best answer I could come up with is the “I do” moment.  Traditional wedding vows read something like, "I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith." 

Even I suffer from fairy tale hopeless romantic ideals.  That dream that someone would look around and of all the human beings on this planet, they’d say to me, “I choose you…..I choose you today, tomorrow and for each future day.  In times of sun and much rain…I will still choose you even when the seasons change. Lots of aspects of life will come and go but to the best of my ability, I promise to remain.”

But what’s often forgotten is that this has already been said to me by a God who knows all the absolute worst things about me and yet still loves me intimately.  I have a God that chooses me and loves me no matter if I’m at my best or worst.

I don’t really want to get married.  I just want to be unconditionally loved.  With God, I am.  In Christ, we are.  When will this be enough?