Cairn

"I will bring these heavy burdens to the foot of the cross and here, I will build a cairn because I know in this place and in these request, God will do a great thing."

-Joy Lynn

Little Miss Independent

Earlier this week, I had the treat of hanging out with a friend and her four kiddos of varying ages with the youngest being 2.  On both Monday and Tuesday when out and about with the family, I found myself, often unconsciously, keeping a closer eye on Little Miss Independent.  She knew it and I could tell she wasn’t too keen on the idea of me tracing her steps or holding on to her hood in the middle of a ski slope just to keep her in my perimeter and be able to grab her if I needed to.  Often if I wasn’t super close, she would play just fine on her own but still, I’d find myself checking in, blocking entries or calling her back more often than pleased her and she let me know.  It wasn’t often, but every once in a while, the situation came where I had to scoop her up into my arms and she’d scream and often her mom was near and so she’d cry for mom and be somewhat-content to be held by her mother for all of 3.2 seconds before begging to be put back down again. 

So when all the moments are added together, there were many a times where she’d be content if I just stayed busy with my own thing while she did hers all on her own but sometimes there was glimmers of her inviting me in.  This one moment I remember vividly, we were down in the toy section and the rest of the family was going to go upstairs to the rest of the store so I was content to stay down with Little Miss and let her play while they explored but when she heard everyone was going upstairs, she was determined to go too.  I hung back a few moments to make sure the youngest son began heading for the stairs and Little Miss looked back and waited for me.  I kind of had my hand out as my body was leaned back craning my neck to look for the boy and she reached for my hand and began walking towards the stairs.  She does stairs just fine these days but she held my hand up each step til she reached the top and then that moment was done.  When she is allowed to reach out and interact on her own terms, she was so stinkin sweet about it.

I haven’t been able to shake that event off in the last few days.  It makes me wonder if that’s how we can treat and see God.  God sees and knows all but we don’t always welcome His “lurking” and don’t want His protection or guidance.  We can play just fine on our own and protect ourselves as need be, or so we think.  Then there are those moments when life hits you hard and lets you down, that God so clearly scoops you up and holds you together and yet all you can do is say, “….but I want my mommy.”  I guess depending on who you are, it may not be a mom but you can fill in the blank with whatever you feel like will be the key to happiness.  But even if you finally got that one thing you wanted, you’d still not be happy and want to continue living life grasping for the next best thing. 

But how sweet a moment, when the God who has been there all along, is invited in personally by us.  When it is not seen as Him scooping us but instead us reaching up and out to Him.  Though many times we have ignored His advice, shrugged off His comforting arms, and run away from His protective stance, He is still faithful and oh so willing, to step in when we cry out to Him needing Him the most.  How cold and distant that kind of rejection would feel to us humans, and yet He steps in, quick to forgive, to protect and to heal as we come on our own accord. 

Lord, please change my heart from being a Little Miss Independent to one that seeks comfort, protection and guidance from You. 

Joy Lynn

Oh Death

The darkness creeps

Beneath our feet

Never know when it will grasp and cling

Filled waiting rooms

Shuffling and stuttering to feel fine

Waiting to hear if it was finally time

Bright hospital rooms

Muffled cries

Whispers of last goodbyes

But sometimes the setting is less serene

Sometimes in the middle of busy things

Over the railing of a bridge

In the grasp of a knot

At the tip of a knife

Or the sound of a shot

It’s the end of a life

With the victim calling the shots

Nobody saw it coming but we all feel the loss

Death it comes

And swallows up time

Never ready to say goodbye

Whether you saw it coming

Or it took you by surprise

It’s something you don’t want to look in the eye

For in it holds the breath of time

And invincibility lays aside

All because of the harsh passing of time

As lives pass on by

Eternity is in sight

Where will you go when you’re due?

Sin has us marred and destined for death

But where, oh death, is your victory?

Where, death, is your sting? (1 Corinthians 15:55)

It was nailed to the cross at Calvary

If only you’d just believe and receive

Victory through Christ our King (1 Corinthians 15:57)

Joy Lynn

Scars Tell A Story

Scars Tell A Story

White picket fences

Lofty facades

Painted shutters

Seeking applause 

As you knock on the door

It slowly cracks

You wonder how many doors

This mansion packs

Step inside

What do you see?

Everything in the entry

Kept nice and clean

Sit on the couch

Creaks underneath

Plastic protection

Acts as a shielding sheet

Everything’s lovely

But nothing is real

Fashionably designed

For public appeal

You begin to inquire

Question your host

Do you even live here

Or are you a ghost?

With a glimmer in their eye

The dam begins to break

They walk down the dark hall

With tears running down their face

With a single-edge razor blade

Straight to the skin

They scrape off the make up

To reveal what’s within 

“In the darkest of rooms

This mansion holds

The deepest of pain

No one can ever know

It’s locked in the closet

Kept out of sight

No air to breathe

No access to light

The pain, it festers

The bitterness grows

It zaps all strength

And it takes its toll

The wounds lay open

Though nobody knows

Though healing is sought

The tension just grows

I want to know freedom

But I lost the key

To the door that holds

The deepest part of me”

So freedom is sought

A Light in view

To chase out the darkness

To see things a new

The journey will be long

Vision will have to be renewed

Moment by moment

Remembering His mercies are new (Lamentations 3:22-23)

And though the wounds hurt now

They will eventually be scars

Which show that both

Hurt and healing are ours 

Joy Lynn

Rip Me Apart

If I could talk to my mom, I’d let her know how much she has missed.  Since 2003, I have graduated from high school, university and Bible institute.  I have served a number of years and positions at different Christian camps.  I have taken countless road and plane trips across country.  I have studied and now get to work in the field of education.  My faith has grown and has literally taken me places I’d never thought I’d go.  Not only has life carried on for me but also for my extended family.  My dad got remarried in 2012 and with that grafted in a new family with “kids” (who are now all adults).  Some of my cousins have gotten married and my aunts and uncles become grandparents and so on.  Life went on.

But inside, not every day, all the time, but from time to time, I struggle with my place in it. 

I am very thankful that my Dad is extremely happy and has a wife who adores him and takes care of him.  Being so far away, I am thankful he has people in house to take care and look out for him and keep him busy with life events and such.  I am thankful he is not alone. 

I am also tremendously thankful that my mom resides in Heaven and gets to enjoy intense fellowship with her Lord and Savior.  In life, she walked with Him as best she could as He lived inside of her, but now she gets to enjoy entirely dwelling with Him.  She is in no pain, she sheds no tears (Revelation 21:4), and she dances as she always wanted to do, in fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11) and light (Revelation 22:5). 

Tomorrow would have been my mom’s 66^th birthday but instead of us celebrating that here, she is in Heaven celebrating round the throne as she has been doing for 13 plus years.  As much comfort as Heaven brings me and knowing that I will see her again because of our mutual faith in Jesus Christ, I loathe how jealous I am of it all.  As much as I reflect on all that she has missed, she is not looking down regretting it because she is looking up, as she always did, focused on God.  How long, O Lord, will I grieve?  How long, O God, will I be jealous of how my parents have both found joy while I, Joy, walk alone?  Lord, I know that You have not abandoned me.  I am forever grateful for the family and friends you have surrounded me with.  But I know this heart of discontent has crippled me.  I know the bitter jealousy will ruin me.  Help me to find Your freedom, comfort and healing.  Not because people step in and try harder, but because my contentment has to come from You alone.  Lord, I know this in my head and heart but my thick skull and thicker walls have proven hard to penetrate.  But I know You can pierce hearts (Hebrews 4:12).  Lord, rip me apart if that’s what it must be, so that I can finally find healing. 

Joy Lynn

When Life is Going All Awry

In a dry and dreary land,

I search desperately for Your face,

Nothing is going as planned,

Why did You bring me to this place?

I can’t seem to hear You here,

This storm amplifies all my fears,

I just wish I felt You near,

At least until the dust clears. 

But the wind rises up all around me,

And the tumbleweeds roll,

I clinch my eyes so I can’t see,

But this sandblasting has taken its toll.

You say You’re the well that won’t run dry,

But the only water here are from the tears that I cry,

I settle in and let out a sigh,

I hope my end is nigh.

I bury my head down in the sand,

Avoiding life and stop making plans,

But on my shoulder I feel a hand,

I look up and there He stands.

I see His lips move but I can’t make it out,

His hands reach towards my face and I back out,

He slowly steps forward and reaches round my ear,

With the headphones off, I can suddenly hear clear.

“You traded My voice for headphones of lies,

They sneaked in at first under disguise,

They repeated so much you took them for truth,

It’s been drowning out My voice since your youth.

I AM the well that won’t run dry,

I invite you to come and abide,

When life is going all awry,

If you let Me, I’ll be your Guide.”

This realization did not change my location,

This is indeed a weary nation,

But now I know when faced with complication,

Jesus truly is my salvation.

Salvation that paid the penalty of sin,

Salvation that is Light when the world is dim,

Salvation to sooth the pain within,

Salvation as a promise of eternal life with Him.

So though this world is dark,

He is the Light,

Lord, reignite the spark,

And help me to shine bright.   

Joy Lynn 

Brick by Brick (8-14-2016)

Brick by brick

Lay them straight

Edge to edge

So nothing escapes.

Piece by piece

Building a wall

Slather the mortar

So the wall don’t fall.

No windows or doors

Each wall is bare

No moat is needed

For there’s no access there.

Layer by layer

Built strong and tall

In a tight circle

Only space to crawl.

At the bottom of this tower

Is where I laid sprawled

Guarded by brick

A hundred feet tall.

No one can find me

No one let in

I can barely breathe

In this chimney I’m in.

I breathe in the ashes

I exhale the soot

I feel the fire round me

I don’t bother to move.

Let it consume me

I’m ready to go

White flag surrounds me

I’ve lost all my hope.

From the distance a shout

It echoes down in

Pierces my ears

That have been silenced by sin.

“I’ve not given up now

I’ve not given in

I’m here to rescue you

But you’ve got to get a grip…

A grip on the life Savior

I’ve tossed down below

He’s there to save you

But you’ve got to take hold!”

So what shall I do now?

Burn by fire for sin?

Or turn to the Savior

Who desires to live within?

The question is one

We all must answer

For we can’t forever live

Trying to serve two masters. 

So I will surrender,

Confess my sin,

Embrace His forgiveness,

And seek to live for Him.

Joy Lynn

If You Could See

I sit alone on this wooden bridge

Thinking of what could have been

Things I wish you could taste and see

Wish you could see what’s become of me

Years have passed and I sit amiss

All these big events your presence has missed

Highlight achievements and bitter ends

The lessons I’ve learned while I make amends

You’re no longer here now

But your memory lives on

With each puddle in life I make

You are part of the waves wake

So I hold on to what’s left

Gather what’s new

Hope to make you proud

In all that I do

I stand up abruptly

The bridge lets out a sigh

At least I know

It’s not a final goodbye

-Joy Lynn

New Life in Thee

My heart is wicked beyond belief,

My spirit is weakened and headed towards defeat,

My soul is heavy and in disrepair,

My strength is drained and I’m gasping for air.

I need You, Lord, to make me whole,

Inwardly dying, I’m losing control,

I need a transplant to make it through,

You’re the only Surgeon who can make my heart new.

In order for me to live, something must die, (Romans 6:23)

Lucky for me, You laid down your life, (Romans 5:8)

On the cross You paid for my sin and shame, (Romans 4:25)

To offer reconciliation to all is why you came.  (1 Peter 3:18)

So I’m asking You, Lord, to take this broken heart,

Exchange it for one with a brand new start,

One in Your likeness and strong in grace,

One that shows faith no matter what I face. 

Give a new heart and a new spirit, I plea, (Ezekiel 36:26)

Not only to me, but to others I see,

For we all wander aimlessly without reprieve,

Until Your salvation, it sets us free.  (Romans 8: 1-3)

Please grant us, Lord, new life in Thee.

Joy Lynn

Never Going to be the Same

I think I have come to the conclusion that some things will just never be the same. For years growing up, my mother and I would go see play productions put on at the Tower Theater in the next town over. I only recall a few times actually knowing someone involved, but most of the time, it was just for the entertainment of community theater. Sometimes others would join my mom and I, but many times it was just us and a crowd of strangers soaking up the show and I loved it.

Seeing productions has never been the same and I am not sure why. The majority of the shows I attend these days are because I know someone involved in the play either on stage or behind. I certainly enjoy watching the people I care about doing something they love and cheering them on.

But still, there is a hole. I feel it in museums too. My mother was a museum soaker, and could spend hours reading each placard and oooing and awing over the most abstract pieces. I miss her zeal for life. It’s like some of my zeal died with her.

I know it’s been years and I promise not every day is hard. Just continuously learning how to walk and dance again.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
–Anne Lamott