If I could talk to my mom, I’d let her know how much she has
missed. Since 2003, I have graduated
from high school, university and Bible institute. I have served a number of years and positions
at different Christian camps. I have
taken countless road and plane trips across country. I have studied and now get to work in the
field of education. My faith has grown
and has literally taken me places I’d never thought I’d go. Not only has life carried on for me but also
for my extended family. My dad got
remarried in 2012 and with that grafted in a new family with “kids” (who are
now all adults). Some of my cousins have
gotten married and my aunts and uncles become grandparents and so on. Life went on.
But inside, not every day, all the time, but from time to
time, I struggle with my place in it.
I am very thankful that my Dad is extremely happy and has a
wife who adores him and takes care of him. Being so far away, I am thankful he has people
in house to take care and look out for him and keep him busy with life events
and such. I am thankful he is not alone.
I am also tremendously thankful that my mom resides in
Heaven and gets to enjoy intense fellowship with her Lord and Savior. In life, she walked with Him as best she
could as He lived inside of her, but now she gets to enjoy entirely dwelling
with Him. She is in no pain, she sheds
no tears (Revelation 21:4), and she dances as she always wanted to do, in fullness
of joy (Psalm 16:11) and light (Revelation 22:5).
Tomorrow would have been my mom’s 66th birthday
but instead of us celebrating that here, she is in Heaven celebrating round the
throne as she has been doing for 13 plus years.
As much comfort as Heaven brings me and knowing that I will see her
again because of our mutual faith in Jesus Christ, I loathe how jealous I am of
it all. As much as I reflect on all that
she has missed, she is not looking down regretting it because she is looking
up, as she always did, focused on God.
How long, O Lord, will I grieve?
How long, O God, will I be jealous of how my parents have both found joy
while I, Joy, walk alone? Lord, I know
that You have not abandoned me. I am
forever grateful for the family and friends you have surrounded me with. But I know this heart of discontent has
crippled me. I know the bitter jealousy
will ruin me. Help me to find Your
freedom, comfort and healing. Not
because people step in and try harder, but because my contentment has to come
from You alone. Lord, I know this in my
head and heart but my thick skull and thicker walls have proven hard to
penetrate. But I know You can pierce
hearts (Hebrews 4:12). Lord, rip me
apart if that’s what it must be, so that I can finally find healing.
