Rip Me Apart

If I could talk to my mom, I’d let her know how much she has missed.  Since 2003, I have graduated from high school, university and Bible institute.  I have served a number of years and positions at different Christian camps.  I have taken countless road and plane trips across country.  I have studied and now get to work in the field of education.  My faith has grown and has literally taken me places I’d never thought I’d go.  Not only has life carried on for me but also for my extended family.  My dad got remarried in 2012 and with that grafted in a new family with “kids” (who are now all adults).  Some of my cousins have gotten married and my aunts and uncles become grandparents and so on.  Life went on.

But inside, not every day, all the time, but from time to time, I struggle with my place in it. 

I am very thankful that my Dad is extremely happy and has a wife who adores him and takes care of him.  Being so far away, I am thankful he has people in house to take care and look out for him and keep him busy with life events and such.  I am thankful he is not alone. 

I am also tremendously thankful that my mom resides in Heaven and gets to enjoy intense fellowship with her Lord and Savior.  In life, she walked with Him as best she could as He lived inside of her, but now she gets to enjoy entirely dwelling with Him.  She is in no pain, she sheds no tears (Revelation 21:4), and she dances as she always wanted to do, in fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11) and light (Revelation 22:5). 

Tomorrow would have been my mom’s 66^th birthday but instead of us celebrating that here, she is in Heaven celebrating round the throne as she has been doing for 13 plus years.  As much comfort as Heaven brings me and knowing that I will see her again because of our mutual faith in Jesus Christ, I loathe how jealous I am of it all.  As much as I reflect on all that she has missed, she is not looking down regretting it because she is looking up, as she always did, focused on God.  How long, O Lord, will I grieve?  How long, O God, will I be jealous of how my parents have both found joy while I, Joy, walk alone?  Lord, I know that You have not abandoned me.  I am forever grateful for the family and friends you have surrounded me with.  But I know this heart of discontent has crippled me.  I know the bitter jealousy will ruin me.  Help me to find Your freedom, comfort and healing.  Not because people step in and try harder, but because my contentment has to come from You alone.  Lord, I know this in my head and heart but my thick skull and thicker walls have proven hard to penetrate.  But I know You can pierce hearts (Hebrews 4:12).  Lord, rip me apart if that’s what it must be, so that I can finally find healing. 

Joy Lynn