On this day 16 years ago, I was nearly 16 and a half, the day my mom passed away. In a single day, it felt like everything changed but it didn’t really. I had to live in the same house, go to the same school and survive among the same people all trying to learn to get by with what felt like a missing part of our hearts.
So how do I feel about today? Well, it’s complicated. It would feel negligent to not pause and remember the great impact my mom had on my life. How having her in the first half of my life left an impact on how I would live the second half of it. I do still miss her. I hate that the memories fade as the distance grows.
But….in this second half of life, I’ve made new memories. I’ve paved a new path…one I would have never imagined during the first half. The faith that my parents possessed; her death was a stepping stone to making that faith my own. That moment of shattered dreams led me to dependence on God which led me to independence and moving across the country to serve, then to study, and then to make it home.
So last night I considered Job, who went through the worst of losing it all, had to suffer and persevere but in the end, got twice what he had lost. I wondered if at the end of his life, when he was looking at his double blessing if there was still room in his heart to remember what was missing that could not be replaced (his dead children). The Bible doesn’t actually say but I have to imagine that he did. That at times, he held blessing and sorrow in both hands. How can you be so thankful for what God has done with the ashes and yet still hold in tension the real loss that those ashes represent?
And so today, I stand in the tension. In my life, I seek to honor you, mom, and the seeds that you planted and sowed in my life. The footprints you left for me to follow and the Christ you pointed me to. But I also appreciate what this second half of life has led to. That making my faith my own was the best decision I ever made and it led me on a crazy journey of miles and memories to where I am at today. This second half has included progress and continued healing. It has brought growth of character and has been kept by lots of God’s grace.
All this is to say, I love you and I miss you, but though you are gone, I still have Hope.
Joy Lynn
