Once Upon A Silent Night

So many years ago

On a seemingly silent night

I wonder if You heard

A young girl and her cries

She did not know the risks

She was far too young

She gave up everything

All in the name of love



Though You did not swoop in

You didn’t stop it at the time

I imagine You were there

Beside her as she asked “why?”

You listened close to her whispers

You offered Your presence

In the midst of her pain

Promising nothing would be in vain



Immanuel, God with us (Matthew 1:23)

I ask You to be with us now

For we are broken

Shattered within

On yet another silent night

Hear our lonely cries

Grant us healing and humbling

Even if we never know the why’s



Jesus, sent to save us from our sins (Matthew 1:21)

Come and cleanse us from within (Psalm 51:2)

From both sin and shame (Psalm 51:7)

Bitterness and blame (Ephesians 4:31)

Create in us a clean heart (Psalm 51:10)

Help us walk in newness of life (Romans 6:3-4)

That You came to offer in taking on our flesh (Isaiah 9:6)

And ultimately, once and for all, to pay our debt by Your death (Romans 4:25) 


-Joy Lynn

I Still Have Hope

On this day 16 years ago, I was nearly 16 and a half, the day my mom passed away.  In a single day, it felt like everything changed but it didn’t really.  I had to live in the same house, go to the same school and survive among the same people all trying to learn to get by with what felt like a missing part of our hearts. 



So how do I feel about today?  Well, it’s complicated.  It would feel negligent to not pause and remember the great impact my mom had on my life.  How having her in the first half of my life left an impact on how I would live the second half of it.  I do still miss her.  I hate that the memories fade as the distance grows.



But….in this second half of life, I’ve made new memories.  I’ve paved a new path…one I would have never imagined during the first half.  The faith that my parents possessed; her death was a stepping stone to making that faith my own.  That moment of shattered dreams led me to dependence on God which led me to independence and moving across the country to serve, then to study, and then to make it home.



So last night I considered Job, who went through the worst of losing it all, had to suffer and persevere but in the end, got twice what he had lost.  I wondered if at the end of his life, when he was looking at his double blessing if there was still room in his heart to remember what was missing that could not be replaced (his dead children).  The Bible doesn’t actually say but I have to imagine that he did.  That at times, he held blessing and sorrow in both hands.  How can you be so thankful for what God has done with the ashes and yet still hold in tension the real loss that those ashes represent? 



And so today, I stand in the tension.  In my life, I seek to honor you, mom, and the seeds that you planted and sowed in my life.  The footprints you left for me to follow and the Christ you pointed me to.  But I also appreciate what this second half of life has led to.  That making my faith my own was the best decision I ever made and it led me on a crazy journey of miles and memories to where I am at today.  This second half has included progress and continued healing.  It has brought growth of character and has been kept by lots of God’s grace.   



All this is to say, I love you and I miss you, but though you are gone, I still have Hope.  

Joy Lynn

Handing out Numbers

I sit on the steps alone

Hoping to be unseen.

Setting is pretty serene

Til you walk on the scene.



You sit beside me,

Inquire what’s wrong.

We sit in silence

Both determined to stay strong.



Finally the dam breaks,

I finally speak,

I begin the share from the depths,

"Life is honestly feeling pretty bleak."



You listen intently,

Take out paper and pen,

Start scribbling a number,

“This is where hope can begin…”



I take the piece of paper.

It was a hotline number you penned?

That’s for people who want dates,

And I simply want this date to end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Numbers are great for those close to the edge

With no hope in sight

Unable to think of a friend

Who can carry their burdens

And lighten the load

But I surely hope

That’s not where everyone is forced to go

When they are down and depressed

Need a place to rest

With someone they know

Who has also seen them at their best

And is not just present in this crisis mode

But to navigate and journey

All the places this life will go

Because we all need friendship

A deeper heart connection

A place to be seen

And not fear rejection

So can we be friends,

Can we reach out?

Not simply hand out numbers

But be present when the bottom drops out?



Joy Lynn

Depend on You

What is my role here?

Do I belong?

Will I ever get used to this,

Or is it time to say “so long”?



I pour in my heart,

I pour out my soul,

I’ve invested countless hours,

God, it’s taking its toll.



But I know You’re in this,

Your work here is not done,

Though Your hand at work is often unseen,

It is still drawing them to Your Son.



So as many days as you gift me,

May I come to depend on You alone.

I pray earnestly that they will choose to follow You,

And will try to lay my burdens at the foot of Your throne. 



-Joy Lynn



“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

For The Times We Feel Weak

“Hey, long time no see,

It’s been a little bit since we met in my dreams,

But why are we here?

On the old high bridge?

It’s a nice view,

But when is the next train coming through?”



Traffic is slowing,

Blue lights swirl under toe,

A crowd is forming and facebook is buzzing,

Everyone throwing in their two cents,

Some scream “Just jump already!”

Or “please safely come down to the ground where it’s steady.” 



I sit down beside you,

Arm in arm,

Trying not to raise an alarm,

“Please talk to me and share your burden,

I can’t promise it’ll make everything light,

But I sure don’t wish for you to take flight.”



You can make it,

You’re not alone,

I can’t give you a solution,

But I know God sits on the throne,

So we wait and we trust and we pray and we seek,

And we lean on Him and others in these times we feel weak.

-Joy Lynn

Til we Reach that Golden Shore

This pressure in my chest,

Suppressed breath inside my lungs,

My heart aches watching them hurting,

I lift them up to God, above…



For I cannot remove their burden,

I can’t take away their pain,

I wish they wouldn’t feel lonely,

I wish they wouldn’t feel shame.



I can’t even promise “it’ll be okay,”

I can’t say “it’ll be over in time,”

Because this world we live on is a broken place,

And not everything gets better in our lifetime.



May we lift our eyes to Someone greater,

To the Creator of space and time,

Who lived, loved, suffered and died,

Body broken in order to bring wholeness to our lives.



Father, be their Refuge,

An anchor in the storm,

Hold them while they are crying,

Til we reach that golden shore. 

-Joy Lynn

What if the healing never comes?

A paralytic man, in his most broken state, is brought before Jesus (Matthew 9:2-8; Mark 2:3-12; Luke 5:17-25).  Jesus is well known in this time and throughout the region as not only a preacher but a healer.  Just imagine, this numbed man is lowered before the Lord, hopeful to be healed.   Jesus sees their faith and immediately extends the man a healing offer----forgiveness of sins.  You may know the end of the story.  Jesus doesn’t stop there but also heals the man’s body and he gets up and walks out of the place.

But I wonder….if the man simply laid there on his mat, at the feet of Jesus, and the only thing Jesus offered was forgiveness of all of his sins, if that would have been enough for him?  Could he remain in this terribly broken, frail body, continuing to pray for fleshly wholeness and be satisfied that his sins were forgiven and he would eventually experience true wholeness with Christ on the other side, in Heaven? 

Paul prayed fervently for healing/freedom from an unnamed thorn that was seemingly holding him back in life (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).  He concluded with God’s promise that His grace would be sufficient….healing wasn’t his to be had on this side. 

So what if the healing never comes?  Will He still be enough?

The Door

“I stand at the door and knock,” (Rev. 3:20)

Is what You say to me,

“Come, let’s sit down,

Chat and have a bite to eat.”



Hm, can we wait a bit?

There’s so much I need to clean,

My house has many cobwebs,

Many lightbulbs long been extinct.



Let me freshen things up,

Splash a new coat of paint,

Jab a broom at the cobwebs,

Before I let You in this space.



So I batten down the hatches,

Live reclusively,

Try to clean this up on my own,

Hardly able to breathe.



The dust and mold grow old,

In this house without windows,

The stacks of debris rise to the sky,

Hoarding every piece of my own history.



There You go knocking again,

I step out and close the door behind.

Jesus, I know You want in,

But I simply can’t let anyone inside.



It’s full of hazardous waste,

Honestly, a toxic dump,

This house should be condemned,

Simply burned from within.



“But that’s not My offer,

I want to free you from the stench,

To help you process the messes,

And sit with you, regardless.”



I’m not sure about this,

I’ve grown rather comfortable here,

It dark and it's dank,

But it’s what I hold dear.



“Well, My offer still stands,

There’s more to life than this,

You’ll be with Me in Heaven,

But I can also walk you through this.”



“I’ll sit in this mess,

We’ll work through it together,

I know you pray for “joy” constantly,

Well, I offer that kind of life abundantly!”  (John 10:10)



“Let me step into the door,

Let My light shine

In the darkest of corners

Through the hardest of times.”



“We’ll be in this together,

Not even just You and I,

For if you let them,

There’s a beautiful community on stand by.”



“But the choice is yours,

Do you want to be made well?” (John 5:6)

Hm, let me think about it….

I guess only time will tell….



Joy Lynn

Memories of You

I set out my easel

And prepare my pallet

With various colors of invisible ink

Where I attempt to paint you from memory

Streak by streak



Sweat forms over my brow

As my brain tries to think

Sorting through pictures

And thoughts shared from others

Of who you once were to me



I grab the paint brush

I try to begin

I dip into the ink

Draw a few cascading lines

For the wellspring you were to me



I close my eyes

And continue to paint

Trying to filter

And paint only

What is verifiably true



My heart beats loud

My thoughts are blazing

But my hand is meticulously still

For the fool proof memories

Are evading me still



My session is over

My eyes open

I stare at the canvas with care

I painted every single memory of you

And yet only my shadow can be seen there

Joy Lynn

Love Tank = Bottomless Pit

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.”  -Agnes Repplier, The Treasure Chest



Have you ever heard of the term “love tank”?  It’s a descriptive term for one’s heart being a figurative gas tank of sorts.  Moments of happiness and joy make the tank rise closer to “contentment” and may come in the form of gifts, quality time spent with a love one, affirming words, generous acts of services or cuddling.  The list truly is endless and the input quantity really varies from person to person.  But the tank also drains energy through the day, minute by minute, breath by breath. 



I’ve been guilty of using this phrase in the past but just recently I got to thinking and realized….my love tank is a stinking bottomless pit.  Edward Welch in his book, When People are Big and God is Small, says his love tank had a leak, and honestly, I find mine does too.  No matter what I do or anyone else does for me, it may bring some lightness to my days, but I tend to be someone whose inputs leak out faster than they are coming in.  I’m definitely an Eeyore, if you are familiar with the character from Winnie the Pooh.  It’s been something by nature that as much as I’d like to rewire my brain and accept and hold more goodness in my life so that maybe my “love tank” can be closer to full, I’ve just never had that sort of lasting contentment and joy in the day to day. 



The richest man in the world was once asked, “how much more money do you need to be happy with what you have?” to which he replied, “just a little more.”



The truth is, we aren’t built to find contentment in money or people or things but in God.  I know that.  I’ve known that.  And now I wrestle with how to practically apply and live in light of that Truth.  To let Him fill me up so that I can be poured out.  To enjoy the gift of friendship without suffocating it.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to kill the spider of dependency….  Hopefully soon. 

Ephesians 3:14-19

“When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”




Joy Lynn

God of the Gray

I was trapped

There in the middle seat

Between two burly men

With their ears plugged by headphones

As I stared at the seat back in front of me

It was dark and though the sun was out

It was just out of reach

Because on either side of me

The window passengers had closed the shades

So I sat in the gray

Staring off into space

Headspace that is

Wondering what it looked like outside



I wondered when the plane shook

Uncontrollably for just a few moments

If we were in the clouds

Because I have found turbulence seems to be worse in the clouds

When you can’t see anything

And feel like you’re in God’s toy airplane in the sky

Except God went full crazy toddler on you

And is rocking you up and down

And then you finally emerge above the clouds

And reach cruising altitude for a while



But I couldn’t see the clouds

I couldn’t see the sun or the sky

One flight I was sure we were in rain

But I couldn’t see that either

Just American Airlines gray

Staring off into space

Wondering where this journey

Would take me



Not just physically

Across the country I know

But in places and spaces

Tucked away at the heart

Holding my breath and waiting

Waiting to take in the growth and destruction I’d see

That not only took place in the Valley

But also inside of me



Because as much change as my homeland has seen

God’s done some major renovation inside of me

To the point that I wondered

Would they recognize me?

Would they remember who I was

Or take me as I am

Or see the potential still within me

Because I am not yet

Who I want to be



See this isn’t the final destination

But a journey of a lifetime

And the worst part of this flight I am on

With those windows shades pulled down

Means I never know when it’s going to land

For all I know I’ve been flying in circles

But that would be a waste of gas



God, I’m not sure when You’ll clear me

For my final landing

As I feel like I’ve been sinking for some time

But I can’t see the ground

So I have to trust You

And Lord, instead of bracing for impact

Help me to fly with purpose

With my eyes on You

Because You are a God of grace

And a God of the gray.



Joy Lynn

Today I Bleed

Hey, got a second?

Can we walk over there?

No, I don’t want to talk,

Just want to get out of here.



My mind is a prison

And it’s holding my body hostage.

Tired of being “on”,

Quite frankly I’m exhausted.



I just need a place to break down;

I usually do that alone.

But maybe it’s a bit healthier,

If I don’t do this on my own.



Frankly, I hardly have the time

And honestly neither do you.

So maybe I’ll just keep it to myself

And just continue to push on through.



I read a quote the other day,

It feels remarkably true,

About where I’m at currently

And what I’ll eventually do.



Sir Andrew Barton, a pirate after a battle said:

“I am hurt but I am not slain.

I’ll lay me down and bleed awhile,

Then I’ll rise and fight again.”



So today I bleed,

In hopes that tomorrow I can smile.

I’ll ride these waves til I get to shore,

Just to fight to walk another mile.

Lay Down Your Guard

“Hi there,

It’s only me.

Please don’t go away;

I’ll simply be.”



I sit beside you

Let you take lead

Tears fall down your face now

As your heart bleeds


“Let down your guard.

It’ll be ok.

No matter what you lay down;

I won’t run away.”



You start from the beginning

Weave through the threads of life

Take a moment to remember the good times

But also share some of the strife



You splay your heart right open

You share transparently

It’s the first burst of light shone in a dark place

That you’ve guarded inherently 



I gently peel back the onion

Not taking for granted the trust you have shown

And I try to love and point you to Jesus

Where true healing and forgiveness can be known



Know that I see you

You are not alone

And I thank you for sharing

For this is where seeds of true friendship are sown

Please. Let. Me. In.

Please know….I see you…

I see you stooped at the bar,

Pen in hand, scribbling almost…incoherently,

Eyes clouded by tears, teeth clasped shut,

Beads of sweat form as thoughts run fast.

-------------------------------------------------

How can I let them all know,

It’s not them, but its me?

I can’t fight this anymore,

My defenses are low and strength run thin,

I can’t make that desperate call again…



So many distraught thoughts and vague texts,

I can’t continue to drag you through this mess.

It’s not fair to you, this roller coaster I am on.

You didn’t ask to ride this,

So it’s time to say “so long.”



I’m sorry it has come down to this,

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I am done with holding everyone back,

So run your race with joy….

The thing I could never quite grasp myself.



I know and can reason within my head,

But my wicked heart speaks up once again,

“You’ll never make it, you can’t keep this up,

You try your best but IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH,

You might as well give up.”

----------------------------------------------------------

I see you, please put down the pen,

Put down your weapon of choice

And choose life again.

It’s dark now

But don’t let it be the end.



Please let Me in…

Please.

Let.

ME.

In.