Memories of You

I set out my easel

And prepare my pallet

With various colors of invisible ink

Where I attempt to paint you from memory

Streak by streak



Sweat forms over my brow

As my brain tries to think

Sorting through pictures

And thoughts shared from others

Of who you once were to me



I grab the paint brush

I try to begin

I dip into the ink

Draw a few cascading lines

For the wellspring you were to me



I close my eyes

And continue to paint

Trying to filter

And paint only

What is verifiably true



My heart beats loud

My thoughts are blazing

But my hand is meticulously still

For the fool proof memories

Are evading me still



My session is over

My eyes open

I stare at the canvas with care

I painted every single memory of you

And yet only my shadow can be seen there

Joy Lynn

Love Tank = Bottomless Pit

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.”  -Agnes Repplier, The Treasure Chest



Have you ever heard of the term “love tank”?  It’s a descriptive term for one’s heart being a figurative gas tank of sorts.  Moments of happiness and joy make the tank rise closer to “contentment” and may come in the form of gifts, quality time spent with a love one, affirming words, generous acts of services or cuddling.  The list truly is endless and the input quantity really varies from person to person.  But the tank also drains energy through the day, minute by minute, breath by breath. 



I’ve been guilty of using this phrase in the past but just recently I got to thinking and realized….my love tank is a stinking bottomless pit.  Edward Welch in his book, When People are Big and God is Small, says his love tank had a leak, and honestly, I find mine does too.  No matter what I do or anyone else does for me, it may bring some lightness to my days, but I tend to be someone whose inputs leak out faster than they are coming in.  I’m definitely an Eeyore, if you are familiar with the character from Winnie the Pooh.  It’s been something by nature that as much as I’d like to rewire my brain and accept and hold more goodness in my life so that maybe my “love tank” can be closer to full, I’ve just never had that sort of lasting contentment and joy in the day to day. 



The richest man in the world was once asked, “how much more money do you need to be happy with what you have?” to which he replied, “just a little more.”



The truth is, we aren’t built to find contentment in money or people or things but in God.  I know that.  I’ve known that.  And now I wrestle with how to practically apply and live in light of that Truth.  To let Him fill me up so that I can be poured out.  To enjoy the gift of friendship without suffocating it.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to kill the spider of dependency….  Hopefully soon. 

Ephesians 3:14-19

“When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”




Joy Lynn

God of the Gray

I was trapped

There in the middle seat

Between two burly men

With their ears plugged by headphones

As I stared at the seat back in front of me

It was dark and though the sun was out

It was just out of reach

Because on either side of me

The window passengers had closed the shades

So I sat in the gray

Staring off into space

Headspace that is

Wondering what it looked like outside



I wondered when the plane shook

Uncontrollably for just a few moments

If we were in the clouds

Because I have found turbulence seems to be worse in the clouds

When you can’t see anything

And feel like you’re in God’s toy airplane in the sky

Except God went full crazy toddler on you

And is rocking you up and down

And then you finally emerge above the clouds

And reach cruising altitude for a while



But I couldn’t see the clouds

I couldn’t see the sun or the sky

One flight I was sure we were in rain

But I couldn’t see that either

Just American Airlines gray

Staring off into space

Wondering where this journey

Would take me



Not just physically

Across the country I know

But in places and spaces

Tucked away at the heart

Holding my breath and waiting

Waiting to take in the growth and destruction I’d see

That not only took place in the Valley

But also inside of me



Because as much change as my homeland has seen

God’s done some major renovation inside of me

To the point that I wondered

Would they recognize me?

Would they remember who I was

Or take me as I am

Or see the potential still within me

Because I am not yet

Who I want to be



See this isn’t the final destination

But a journey of a lifetime

And the worst part of this flight I am on

With those windows shades pulled down

Means I never know when it’s going to land

For all I know I’ve been flying in circles

But that would be a waste of gas



God, I’m not sure when You’ll clear me

For my final landing

As I feel like I’ve been sinking for some time

But I can’t see the ground

So I have to trust You

And Lord, instead of bracing for impact

Help me to fly with purpose

With my eyes on You

Because You are a God of grace

And a God of the gray.



Joy Lynn

Today I Bleed

Hey, got a second?

Can we walk over there?

No, I don’t want to talk,

Just want to get out of here.



My mind is a prison

And it’s holding my body hostage.

Tired of being “on”,

Quite frankly I’m exhausted.



I just need a place to break down;

I usually do that alone.

But maybe it’s a bit healthier,

If I don’t do this on my own.



Frankly, I hardly have the time

And honestly neither do you.

So maybe I’ll just keep it to myself

And just continue to push on through.



I read a quote the other day,

It feels remarkably true,

About where I’m at currently

And what I’ll eventually do.



Sir Andrew Barton, a pirate after a battle said:

“I am hurt but I am not slain.

I’ll lay me down and bleed awhile,

Then I’ll rise and fight again.”



So today I bleed,

In hopes that tomorrow I can smile.

I’ll ride these waves til I get to shore,

Just to fight to walk another mile.

Lay Down Your Guard

“Hi there,

It’s only me.

Please don’t go away;

I’ll simply be.”



I sit beside you

Let you take lead

Tears fall down your face now

As your heart bleeds


“Let down your guard.

It’ll be ok.

No matter what you lay down;

I won’t run away.”



You start from the beginning

Weave through the threads of life

Take a moment to remember the good times

But also share some of the strife



You splay your heart right open

You share transparently

It’s the first burst of light shone in a dark place

That you’ve guarded inherently 



I gently peel back the onion

Not taking for granted the trust you have shown

And I try to love and point you to Jesus

Where true healing and forgiveness can be known



Know that I see you

You are not alone

And I thank you for sharing

For this is where seeds of true friendship are sown