I’ve always struggled with balance, putting all my heart and
effort in one thing more than all the other things life brings. Be it my job, a particular friendship, a
hobby, or academics, I’ve struggled with balance and the issue of finding
purpose from those particular things.
When things were great, life was good.
When things were hard, I was depressed.
All of those things, at one time or another, have been my default
mindset (what I was generally thinking about) or my easy conversation
topics. I’m not amazing at small talk,
but if you wanted to talk about the thing my heart was passionate about, I
could talk for hours and hours.
This time last year, my default topic was my job. It really is my dream job. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher and
after Bible School, was introduced to the thought of Christian education. When I did my student teaching, I had 100
students whom I enjoyed muchly, but being a public charter school,
opportunities to talk about God were very limited and I knew it wasn’t the
right fit for me amongst the staff.
Christian education though, opened a door to pour into students lives
both academically and spiritually. The
first two years of teaching were fantastic.
If you talked to me in person, I loved talking about school. If you followed my facebook status, they were
mostly about school. If you asked me
what I did in my free time, I was preparing for school. School, school, school. Academically, I thought I was doing fairly
well teaching students, and spiritually, I felt I was making connections,
pouring in, praying for and seeing growth in my students and the school.
This year’s school year has not quite been the same. We’ve experienced tremendous growth. In the upper grades (7th-12th)
for instance, my first year we had 16 students, second year 22, and this year
just over 40. Growing pains and
stretching have caused tremendous stress on the capacity of the school
building, the attitudes of students and the impact that can be had in smaller
settings. I was a teenager once, so I
shouldn’t at all be surprised by some of the fads, conversations, attitudes,
and jokes I hear. I shouldn’t be as
broken as I am, over the brokenness of the family unit, respect towards authority,
and the state of this world. I shouldn’t
throw in the towel because I know I went through that same path and in the end,
things turned out better and I did indeed follow Christ.
But remember, I left the public schools so I could make an
impact for eternity. I wasn’t as worried
about test scores and high grades, as I was about the opportunity to pray with
and for my students, point them to Christ and challenge them to live for Him
now….not just when they grow up. The
first two years, I thought I was seeing great growth and was always so
encouraged by the work God was doing in and around me. This year, I feel like there is not as much growth. Not in everyone anyway. ((Of course, there is
a handful or so of students that I see growing leaps and bounds through all these
circumstances. I wish I was seeing that
growth in me through these circumstances.)) I can still feel the sting of some conversations I’ve had with students about
me in particular. That they laugh on
cue, they say all the right things knowing it’s what I want to hear but with no
intention at all of doing the right thing, and that all the talk about me being
impactful on their lives was a joke. I
know it’s not I that can change hearts.
I know that it has to be God and Him alone to take and mold and shape
them. I know it’s all Him. But in my effort to make an impact and be
purposeful, I’ve been left feeling useless.
So what do I do, when the going gets tough? I run away.
But this time, it’s a different kind of running. It’s a literal, physical running on a track,
trail or treadmill. In the month of
November alone, I’ve ran/jogged/walked purposefully over 47 miles (hoping to be
at 50 before the day is done). If you
have talked to me at all lately, I’m sure you know I’m running. I’m sure you have heard about my mileage, my
training program, and the goals I’ve already conquered through it. You might have even carried on a conversation
with me about how to best run in the winter, clothes to wear, and how running
is just not for you, just as I used to say it was not for me. I have friendships now where literally about
the only thing I talk about is running. I
ran for the first time with people on Tuesday and it was the best experience
running I’ve ever had because I was in community. Running is great for health, focus, and goal
setting. But what am I running to?
My all consuming focus has lately been on running. I read numerous blogs from runners. When I go to the store, I check out their
fitness section and clothing, looking for good base layers and cheap gear. When I get up in the morning, I make sure my
running stuff for the day is ready and in tow to bring to school so I can head
out right after the bell rings to get a run in before the sun sets. When I come home in the evening, I tell of my
accomplishments, cough up a quarter of a lung (it used to be the whole thing so
I’m making progress), drink water and wait for the water to be warm enough to
shower and clean up. I still plan for
school here and there. I still attend
meetings, talk to parents, and laugh with students. I still eat meals and sleep often enough. I
go to game night and fellowship group weekly.
My life has more diversity this year than it ever has
before, which perhaps is not a bad thing.
The only thing that feels like I’m growing and advancing in though, is
running. I have now hit under a 10 minute
mile a few times (athletic friends---try not to snicker at that), ran two miles
non-stop and did an unofficial 5k with two friends in under 40 minutes. Those aren’t great numbers for avid runners,
but for me, it was once something only dreamed of and now possible.
But what is the purpose??
Yay, for gaining some self confidence, better health and a potential for
weight loss. But what about for
eternity? Those reasons listed above,
are all great for personal growth, but they have no weight in eternity. God’s not going to ask me how many miles I
ran on the last day of my life. But in
His throne room, I know I will reflect on what I did in the “miles” of my
life.
I am questioning if I have made a good thing, like running, an
idol in my life. If I am running just
for the friends, just for the goal achievements, and just for the self satisfaction
it brings, then, no matter how far I go, I won’t leave any footprints as a
mark of where I’ve been or what I’ve done.
Maybe I’ve made running into a defense mechanism. Now that I do it and immersed in it, I can
talk about that instead of having to talk about deeper things. I can talk with a smile on my face because at
least I have one thing going for me, and it is something that is commendable in
most people’s eyes. You won’t find
many people disappointed in someone for running. Running brings people giving encouragement to
me and being encouraged themselves sometimes.
But what if it’s all a ploy? An
evil scheme to mask reality. What if it’s
an idol, giving me false worth, when worth, value and joy can only be truly
found in Christ? What if all I am
running to is self centeredness and pride?
So far, that is the fruit I am seeing, and I don’t like it, but I’m not
sure what to do. What if running isn’t
the root? What if it’s just the means
that is being used to tangle me up and keep me down? Maybe the root is my focus, and it not being
on Christ and what He can and will do.
Maybe I need to cling to the potential of my students and the work being
done at my school and not find my value in the product. Maybe I should find myself on my knees more
often, in pure exhaustion of the spiritual battle faced every day and let Him
fight it for me. Maybe it’s not the
running that’s a bad thing, but what I am running to that I need to decide.
What are you running from?
Until next time,
In Christ,
Joy Lynn
