Security Blanket

I can remember back to a specific time in 2010.  I was at Christian Youth in Action and I had just finished my year of bible school and the camp director asked me to share something at the CYIA closing ceremony along with two other people.  I stood up there and talked about how after going to university and getting a teaching degree, I realized I loved teaching and though my students succeeded at standardized testing, it was making little eternal impact.  After a year of Bible school, I realized how I wanted to take teaching and use it in a setting where I could also speak from a Biblical worldview, model that as best as I could, and invite students to have the same relationship with God that I had.  The part that still sticks out to me clear as day though, was towards the end of my little sh-peel, I said “my goal had always been the American dream, graduate high school, go to college, get a job, be financially secure, retire and then die….and though I was on that path, I was discontented in that it would only serve myself so I wanted to choose a different path and sought to work in ministry where I’d get to do what I love, and though I may not get paid a ton and be able to save a ton, the opportunity to change lives for eternity would be abundant.  Sounds lovely dovey, don’t it?

Then a year later, I got my chance to put it all into practice.  Got a full time ministry job that didn’t pay a ton comparatively to the same job in the public schools but had lots of opportunity to dig and pour into students here in New Hampshire and I have loved it.  But guess what also happened along the way?  I still held on to that need to be financially secure.  In the last four years, I’ve saved every penny I could and heaped it into a pile (or technically account) that I call my “emergency fund”…..yes, I did take Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University back in 2009, so there…  That emergency fund is there in case of emergency…..saving for a rainy day because you never know what will come your way.  I spent most of the last six months teaching my Economic students that….it’s important to save because you never know when it’ll rain and sometimes when it rains it pours so it’s important to have your ducks in a row then, then have to scramble and feel your way out of the peril of debt.

And then the rains came…..

A few things have piled right into my lap that are huge monetary expenses.  Theoretically, yes, some of them I could work out to get on a payment plan to not have such a hard hit at first, but then I pay interest and then I’d be in debt and the only INTEREST I have is to NOT be in debt… 

But boy, to see the money flying out of my account makes my tummy churn and heart hurt.  I saved that money for a rainy day and then when the rains came and started to wash the money away, it felt like the foundation under me was being swept away too. 

I’ve been independent for so long, that it’s hard to see it go away because what if the rain keeps coming and it all goes away…what then?  It took years to save this and imagining it all being gone just takes my breath away.

And then I think of my friends who live pay check to pay check and leap from God-thing to God-thing….. I am always amazed at my friends faithfulness to God through those unknown times and in awe of the numerous way God provides in each situation moving them along from base to base and never abandoning them.

So why can’t I trust?  Is it because I’ve always had so there was no want or need to trust solely on Him?  Have I grown so self-reliant that it will take a full on tsunami to tear me down to the roots and start again only trusting in Him? 

I hope not….but what if He does anyway?  Will I be able to say as Job (1:21) said, ““Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return there.  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord”? 

Maybe as much as I want to fight it, the security blanket must be ripped away so that I fully grasp that only in Him am I secure at all.  Maybe He wont…..but maybe He will.  I pray that no matter the outcome, my heart will continually say, Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Until next time,

In Christ,

Joy Lynn