It’s almost March and I haven’t published a single thing in
my blog this year and I am perfectly ok with that.
It’s a different season, and as seasons go, sometimes I write and
sometimes I simply grow. One of the last
posts I wrote was titled “Help me to find Joy.” I wrote it as a desperate prayer as I was
grappling with a season of depression but
I also wrote it out of angst, that for 28 years, my name has been Joy but often
enough, I am accused of not fitting that description. To be depressed is one demon, but to have others who don’t really know me accuse me of being joy-less adds a whole other enemy to fight because
I already am fighting the lies in my mind and when others suggest, I take it as
Truth and my mind begins to execute, judgment and fear, failure and tears, and
it takes awhile before the smoke clears.
But what if…..what if all along, Joy was right here? I would certainly agree that I am quiet,
maybe even aloof, but I promise you I am not shatterproof. I can count on two hands the ones that truly
know the deepest sides of me, but in all reality, that’s not the worst place to
be. I’d like to think that I am loyal,
pretty faithful to the end, would drop everything if I could to be there for a
friend. I am a bit like Eeyore, quietly
getting by, with a pessimistic yet realistic spirit and arguably pretty
shy. But once you get to know me, I can
crack a joke or two, spout off a random fact, and draw out a life story
too.
So maybe you won’t see my face next to “joy” in the
dictionary and let’s be honest, that would be kind of scary…….maybe I don’t fit
the world’s vision of “merry” but if I may be quite contrary…….you don’t know
the burdens I carry….the things I’ve been through, the hurdles I’ve crossed,
the bridges I’ve burned, the people I’ve lost, so if I’m not the “Joy” that you
seek, I’m sorry but I can’t continue to be enslaved to these chains of what
people think I ought, be forced and trampled into a box, to be a slave to your
opinion has left my heart locked in the stocks.
So today, I declare, by the mercies of God, that I am free
to be me, because it’s that freedom that He bought, the good and the bad, the
happy and the sad, He simply took me as I am.
So from now on, I hope to be, no longer found in slavery, to others
opinion of me, and just hope and pray they see, that though I am a quiet wall I
may be worth getting to know if you are in it for the long haul.
Until next time,
In Christ,
Joy Lynn
