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Saturday, August 2, 2014

Drama Queen

It has come to my attention that I can be a bit of a drama queen.  In my personalities arsenal is a cool, calm, and collected middle or an extreme low, “woe is me.”  There are rare extreme highs of happy hyper and little outward in-between modes.    Generally, the lows look like cool, calm and collected until a major (or minor) event occurs were I am at personal fault and suddenly life would be better without me.

Examples would be when I ordered curriculum without Adam’s permission and got called out on it which led me to almost submitting my resignation for the terrible thing I had done.  Going crazy when I accidently set a house alarm off on myself which caused the police to come and scope out the house.  Saying I quit counseling the many times I’ve failed as a summer staff (dress code, accidental “pranks”, devo-time accidents).  Just recently, I wanted to bury myself in a hole after setting a small grease fire in my kitchen.  None of these things amounted to permanent damage at all to physical structures or even to social damage with other people.  It all blew over rather quickly. 

But don’t try telling me that in the moment….even though I am so often trying to tell myself that in the moment.  It’s like hot and heavy emotions are competing with very sound logic and my emotions are winning and they are willing to make some very rash choices.  I so often try to hide from friends in this moment because it’s not pretty and I know in my head it’s not necessary, but unfortunately, I have indeed let friends in at this time….somehow they remain my friends when all is settled down (sometimes in just a few hours….sometimes days…). 

The funny part is, I don’t think I knew that was my tendency til recently when a friend called me out on it saying, “Joy, you’re so extreme.  Calm down…”  Then suddenly, I looked back and saw the dramatics….though I hope it’s not all for show.  In my heart, I HATE personally failing anyone, and when I do, I just lash out on myself and just bash and bash until I feel I have little to offer.  It’s like, I fail once and my whole career was a wreck, worthless, shambles and a lie. 

WHY IN THE WORLD DO I DO THIS????  Why is there no medium gear to my emotions?  And why am I so critical on myself that it sends me into a tizzy of potential great consequence?  But even more so, how do I stop it?  How do I gain some sense of sanity in this battle? 

I don’t have answers.  Only questions….and apologies.  I’m sorry for those who I have indeed let in to my inner circle and have been burnt by my flame outs.  I have found a root or at least a symptom of one…of a deeply rooted heart condition.  Any ideas on how to treat/cure it?  I’d appreciate anything you’ve got because I can’t just go all fire cracker on a whim…it’s not fair to those around me or close to me.  Thanks for any advice you’ve got and prayers.



  1. I can relate all to well, Joy. You may remember this from our conversations many years ago ( few though they were ). Perfectionism can be a powerful drive towards excellence, or an exercise in personal pride. I suppose the main difference in our responses is that I did the typical guy thing, bury it all so deep that it led to reflections along the lines of, "If I ever lose control, someone will die...". Scary stuff. Thank God that He led me to places & people where I would be force to confront & stop burying! Now He's brought me to the next great challenge, for me to trust Him, or my own (failed) perfectionism!
    Prayers always, and yours are always appreciated as well! :)

    1. Thanks for writing Samuel. I appreciate that you shared your personal struggle with me. I think both of us need to exercise our showing of grace to ourselves. It's what God has been pointing me towards and to see myself as flawed and human, accept my failings and give some grace to accept but try again. Thanks for your prayers!


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