26 Year Old Kid

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been complimented on how well I wear my age.  Well, truth be told, they didn’t say it quite like that…it was more like, “how old are you? 26, really?  I thought more like 16….”  Only adding confusion to the chaos, I work with teens for a loving, so I surround myself with them, whether it’s talking around a meal or playing soccer out on break. 

Most find it hard to believe, at first meeting, that I not only have graduated from high school, but got my Bachelors in four years, took a year of Bible school, took a year off to substitute teach and now am starting in on my third year as a high school teacher.  I wear my age well, I suppose.

But what if I am not such the “adult” that I so want to be seen as.  Maybe they are looking beyond the appearance and my affinity for modest t-shirts and shorts and seeing the real me.  And when they see me, they still just see a 26 year old kid.  Maybe they are right.  I so often still feel like a kid.  I am currently in what is becoming the most confusing stage of my life. 

I live 2,000 miles from home, have a job, pay my own bills (cell phone, car related stuff), and live within my own income (with the help of many blessings from God in His provision).  I’m a saver, not a spender.  I think things through and tackle possible problems before they get out of hand.  I have dreams and aspirations and when I have time, I put them into action.  I want to see my students succeed, my school succeed and lives be changed for the glory of God.  Have I proven myself adult yet???

But what about at the heart….the part of me that only I can see.  Right here, within me, I still feel like a very lost and broken 16 year old.  I don’t always feel it, but it’s very real and very near.  Almost 10 years ago, I lost my mother suddenly, and my world has never been the same since.  The longing I feel now has taken on many forms, levels and periods throughout these ten years but the void is still there. 

For 10 years, I’ve been fearfully afraid of growing up because mom wouldn’t see me.  See me graduating from high school, college, bible school….meet my wonderful students and their families.  I’ve never lived fully on my own and I couldn’t imagine doing so without having a mom to call back home and ask for help when the pot of water is overflowing or I burnt the rice again (is there an easy way to clean burnt on rice anyway??)  I’ve never been in a relationship and I can’t imagine not having mom to share my heart with, and to approve of him, and go wedding dress shopping  with and to be brimming with pride in the front row seat at my wedding.  When big events happen like the Boston bombing or Sandy Hook, I can imagine having long discussions with her about all the details and ramifications because she totally immersed herself in stuff like that.  I couldn’t imagine ever exploring Washington, D.C. without her, as it was both of our dream vacations.

And yet….life goes on.  The biggest proof of this is my dad recently getting remarried.  I thought I was doing pretty well with this grieving and processing thing concerning my mom…this is, until last year.  2012 was blow after blow of my security blankets.  The three best relationships I had going all changed with weddings and it’s not like I lost those relationships.  The dynamics changed though….well, for them that is.  Nothing changed for me.  Still lonely ole Joy here. 

I’m not saying that I am looking for a man to sweep me off my feet.  I’m totally not.  And if he tried, I’d probably bop his head with a hammer at this point.  I’m not ready for that.  I’m not even sure I’m ready to be an adult.  I’m just a 26 year old kid that wants her mommy. 

Joy Lynn