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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Who I am is Not Who I Want to Be

Today, as I sat on my recliner in an apartment I call my own, I pondered.  I sat back and let my mind wander.  Set aside the busyness of life and the pile of school work and just reflected.  The conclusion I made is this…..I’m not who I want to be. 

I want to be a woman of God.  I want to be a phenomenal teacher…not because of test scores or classroom success, but because of the impact my life had on theirs.  I want to be a role model.  I want to be of upright character and humble.  I want to have my priorities right with Faith, family and friends.  I want to be in right relation with those three as well….right with God, right with family and right with friends.  I want my job not to be for the paycheck but for the ministry.  I want to be “domesticated” and be able to cook and fend for myself.  I want to trust God in all circumstances and instead of staring at the tidal waves, look to Jesus who will help me not only to stand, but to walk on that water.  I want to be willing to forsake everything and go wherever He leads.  I want to be open to do what He’d have me to do, reach out to whom He’d have me to reach out to, and reveal to those who need to see the scars of my heart because in those scars is a story of healing…a story of redemption….a story of repentance….and a story of restoration. 

I don’t have a husband and I don’t have kids of my own, but I have 42 students entrusted to me and I know I’m not doing the best I can for them….not giving them my all, not pouring in enough, not reaching out, and definitely not praying for them as much as I ought to.  I have the best network of friends a girl can ask for but I know I am selfish, arrogant, rude and a torrential tester of those closest to me. 

Oh, the person I am is most certainly not the person I want to be.  But that said…..I am downright thankful I am not the person I was either.  Yes, I have a long way to go, much to learn, and some of those things I want to be…well, I’ll never make it.  But I can try and part of my trying going forward needs to actually be to *stop trying*….yeah, reverse logic there.  But I can’t do this on my own.  As much as I want to be a strong woman, I need to remember that the strength I must rely and draw from is not my own but it must be from Christ (2 Corinthians 12:9).  Any self-help remedy I try to cook up will very likely only be a temporary fix…a band-aid on the cancer that wrecks havoc within me.  Unless it be from God, then I will very likely fail.  But I am not who I once was because of God’s help and with God’s help I still have tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a gift, if I so get that gift, as tomorrow or even the next minute is never guaranteed.  But assuming I get a tomorrow….another breath……I’m not who I want to be, but I think I may be on the road to get there and I pray to God that He will help me and not leave me here where I am at…and I know He won’t.  May the days that come be used mightily in the transforming process that God has already began in me because as Philippians 1:6 says I can be ”confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”  I’m not who I want to be but I am thankful I am not who I was, and I am grateful that who I am today is not where I have to stay. 

Philippians 3:12-14

“12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Until next time,

In Christ,

Joy Lynn

1 comment:

  1. Praising God alongside you, Joy, for who we are in Christ!!!! His strength is perfect in our weakness.


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