God of the Gray

I was trapped

There in the middle seat

Between two burly men

With their ears plugged by headphones

As I stared at the seat back in front of me

It was dark and though the sun was out

It was just out of reach

Because on either side of me

The window passengers had closed the shades

So I sat in the gray

Staring off into space

Headspace that is

Wondering what it looked like outside



I wondered when the plane shook

Uncontrollably for just a few moments

If we were in the clouds

Because I have found turbulence seems to be worse in the clouds

When you can’t see anything

And feel like you’re in God’s toy airplane in the sky

Except God went full crazy toddler on you

And is rocking you up and down

And then you finally emerge above the clouds

And reach cruising altitude for a while



But I couldn’t see the clouds

I couldn’t see the sun or the sky

One flight I was sure we were in rain

But I couldn’t see that either

Just American Airlines gray

Staring off into space

Wondering where this journey

Would take me



Not just physically

Across the country I know

But in places and spaces

Tucked away at the heart

Holding my breath and waiting

Waiting to take in the growth and destruction I’d see

That not only took place in the Valley

But also inside of me



Because as much change as my homeland has seen

God’s done some major renovation inside of me

To the point that I wondered

Would they recognize me?

Would they remember who I was

Or take me as I am

Or see the potential still within me

Because I am not yet

Who I want to be



See this isn’t the final destination

But a journey of a lifetime

And the worst part of this flight I am on

With those windows shades pulled down

Means I never know when it’s going to land

For all I know I’ve been flying in circles

But that would be a waste of gas



God, I’m not sure when You’ll clear me

For my final landing

As I feel like I’ve been sinking for some time

But I can’t see the ground

So I have to trust You

And Lord, instead of bracing for impact

Help me to fly with purpose

With my eyes on You

Because You are a God of grace

And a God of the gray.



Joy Lynn